raverX

Every time I come to write something lately I have stopped myself.

Why? Because what I want to write, about how I feel lately, just sounds down and depressing and I feel like most of what's written on this site in the last year is very much the same.

I would like to be able to write about the wonderful things happening lately - how the Club has grown and prospered and how I now have people helping me, which is working so well; and how business is ever improving, despite the constant challenges I face as a business owner, operator, etc; or how I had an absolute blast friday night with the guys, just a simple, social activity.

Yet, every time I feel like I should be happy, I suddenly feel like I'm not.

So I question why. Why do I keep feeling depressed. And I start asking myself if maybe I'm just a depressed person, but I don't believe this to be true.

I'm back to getting up early in the morning and walking. I'm eating healthy (as usual) and drinking less (not usual for late :p). I'm socialising a lot. I'm out doing *stuff*. For the most part I'm happy, but then I'm suddenly hit with this sadness.

I'm still really disheartened about what's happened this past year. I had so many hopes for what this year meant to me and as I replay certain things in my head I start to question whether my own actions (or sometimes lack of action, thought or rememberance) were responsible for what happened, or didn't - as the case may be.

Maybe it was never going to work. Maybe we've changed so much over the years that we're just not compatible. I just don't know.

What currently stands in my mind, is how I felt less and less inclined to call her, try and visit, or include her on things. I don't know if it was because every time I tried she gave me a hundred reasons why she didn't want to, or whether I kept feeling disheartened every time she did something that I would have liked to do with her, with someone else. Maybe it was the fights all the time, that I didn't want to have - so to avoid having them, I avoided her.

I don't know.

That's when I start to question my own actions - did I not think of her properly? Did I reject her desires or invites. Did I not listen to her?

I don't know.

I'm dumbfounded and even though I know you can't change the past I continue to analyse it, because that's what I do.

I keep wanting to call her, message her or something. Then I stop myself, feeling that I can't keep chasing after her hoping things will change and that if she and I are ever going to work then she needs to make an effort and show me that I do actually mean something, anything, to her - more than I currently feel like I do.

That's when I stop. Resign myself to the fact that that may not happen, for a very very long time, if ever.

Part of me wants to move on. Part doesn't. I guess I shouldn't be holding out hoping things will suddenly fix themselves, because they won't. Opportunities come and go but when it comes to the crunch I just can't go through with it, something deep within me holds me back and I feel guilty.

Part of the guilt is for her, part of the guilt is for me - I don't know if I'm ready to offer anyone anything.

I know it's not the case but I feel like I was a convenience, a rebound thing (again) and that whatever I thought we had - maybe it wasn't there. Parts of what happened, I feel I've been through many times before. Other parts felt special, like how I remember "us" to be once upon a time.

It's truly ironic, I compare what was "then" to what is "now" and there is so much different. I go back to the first time we met and how everything about "us" felt electric and then the now it felt like perhaps some things were forced?

Yet there were times when it just felt amazing - even before "it" happened, it all felt so wanton and meaningful - yet then when it all should have been so simple, so easy, so "us", it just didn't work. I was all about "us" and she was all about "her" and when I got upset by this it was all my fault for wanting more.

I just don't know. I'm up and down and I can't make sense of how I feel. My emotions are still spinning - I love her I hate her I miss her I can't handle it. One minute I'm over it, the next minute I'm back to it.

I keep expecting to hear that she's moved on, met someone else. Maybe it's just a fear, but deep down the feeling has lurked since the moment we broke up. Lately I have barely heard from her, so the feeling grows stronger - sooner or later it's going to happen.